I wonder…

It’s a beautiful evening. The kind of evening that makes you happy it’s Friday. I tap my fingers on the table expectantly, wondering why he is yet to call. He had called earlier to tell me he will pick me up after work, so we can hang out. Thank God it’s Friday!

Oh, my manners!

I am Onome, and by ‘he’, i mean Remi, my love of four years. You noticed the tribe difference right? Yeah, one of the many battles we fought to be where we are today. I love Remi, no doubt about that. I met him when I was in JSS1 and we’ve been friends ever since.

image

He’s the guy who saw me through Maths and Physics. He’s the guy who wrote me love letters, the guy whose language my heart understands perfectly. Even when we were not dating, i knew i was gonna marry him someday. Someday. Yeah, a lot of factors were against us. Tribe, according to my parents, was the first on the list. Age was another factor. You see, Remi is 8 years older than I am. Age is just a number right? So I’ve heard.

Today however, all these are behind us. It definitely was not easy, but we did it. Our love kept us together. That should tell me that our love can weather any storm, yes?

****************************************
I try to call him but his number does not go through. I sigh, my disappointment written all over my face. Suddenly, i hear  Natalie Grant’s ‘when God made you’. I pick up my phone and smile to myself.

“Hey babe”

“Hi sweets, you ready? I’m outside”

“I am o, be there in a minute.”

I drop the call and shut down my system. I look around, my colleagues had all left the office. In a minute, I was in his car. In another ten minutes, we are seated in a reserved corner in our favourite restaurant. I look at my love, he does not smile back at me. I notice he is avoiding my eyes. I wonder. We settle down to eat.

“Babe, what’s wrong?” I ask

He looks up at me and smile. Ah, that smile. I cannot resist, i smile back.

“Are you okay?” I ask again.

“Do you love me at all?”

Fear grips me.

“Babe you know I do”

“So, when are we getting married? I love you so much Onome, you know it. I love you, you love me, we’ ve prayed about us, so what’s stopping us? I want to spend the rest of my life with you, i want to grow old with you, i want you to be the mother of my children, I want to be your partner, I will stand by you, come what may, I will…”

He holds his head in his hands brokenly, I see a tear drop, my heart is broken.

image

I try to say something but nothing comes out of my mouth. I feel the hot tears threatening to come pouring any time soon.

“I…..I…., babe you don’t understand”

He looks up and joins his hand with mine on the table.

“Then make me understand my love, we are a team, we are in this together.”

I look at his reassuring face, his lips turn up in a sad smile, he rubs his finger on my hand gently, urging me on. I open my mouth again and this time, the words come. I allow the tears to flow freely.

“I love you babe and I want to grow old with you too but I wonder. I wonder if our marriage will turn out to be like my parent’s. The thought of it alone scares me because I want a beautiful marriage. I wonder if one day, you won’t look back with regrets. I wonder if you won’t start tolerating me after a while. I wonder if you can really keep all these promises. Life happens you know, and people change. I wonder if I can be the kind of wife you need. I wonder if you can be the head of our home, physically and spiritually. I wonder if I can trust you with my future and that of my children.

I wonder if you can lead and guide me, I wonder if you can put me back on track when I seem to be wandering. I wonder if you will allow me be all God wants me to be, or you’d rather i be who you want me to be. I wonder if you won’t be intimidated by my success. I wonder if someday you won’t get tired of telling me the ‘i love you’s’ that i like to hear. I wonder if you’ll still laugh at my silly jokes after a year. I wonder if you will hold my hand as we walk down the street after three children. I wonder if you will still find me beautiful with sagging breasts. I wonder if you can be my best friend after you’ve known all there is to know about me. I know our love as stood the test of time but i wonder. I just wonder.”

image

Here’s to all Christian ladies who have allowed fear of the unknown stop them from taking the leap from Miss to Mrs: PERFECT LOVE casts out fear. These guys are humans too, just like us. Stop seeking from a man what only God can give. Like a wise man said, the next time fear comes knocking, send faith to get the door. The list is endless and I could go on and on but no human being can answer these questions as a matter of fact. If God has shown you the green light, you gotta trust him to do His thing.

Happy Sunday people and happy new month! May the month of May bring good tidings your way!!

image

Blessings all the way!!!

9 thoughts on “I wonder…

  1. Here is a wounded soul right here…and so many people are in this state too…
    1. when we become parents as young people, we should remember that whatever we do affects generations…our children and even their children
    2. yes, our parents were our earliest models and they taught us most of what we know either directly or by observation. however, we are not them and our destinies are different. that they made mistakes or even failed doesn’t mean that we will- failure ain’t genetic or hereditary. we write our own histories.
    3. there will always be doubts and uncertainties. the fact that we are afraid is a sign of the genuineness of our love. it means a lot to us and we want it to last, we don’t want the good feeling to ever stop. the fear is a good thing, it will or it should make us work at it, to keep the honey flowing forever, to fight for it and to work to make it last. if we were certain of it lasting, we would stop caring, get sloppy and become nonchalant.
    4. there are never any guarantees in life. in fact, we can be sure of problems ahead but also of help and victory. so if we want it, and we are sure God is backing us, let us take the plunge. not only in relationships but also in life as a whole.

    happy new month and happy sunday

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s